Why the clickbait headline?

The chequered flag waved in Abu Dhabi almost a month ago, the awards season at an end and the bones picked clean following the various end-of-year media lunches, as the inhabitants of Planet Paddock head into hibernation, like much of the media we have been forced to troll the archives for ‘news’.

While our rivals rake through the various press conferences since the summer break in search of something, anything, fresh, in the desire to maintain page impressions and justify our exorbitant wage bill we dug even deeper into the past.

Finally, we found a quote from Malaysia 2017 that we hadn’t used before, and though it only consists of 5 words, courtesy of the fact that it comes from a (sometimes) controversial figure on an always controversial topic, our team of dedicated – and well-paid – writers has come up with a 10,000 word article on the topic for your entertainment.

Though using the words ‘how’ or ‘why’ in the headline suggests that our article reveals the truth of the topic, the reality is… we don’t.

With an image archive of 256 billion pictures, dating back to a car-like cave painting discovered in Chauvet-Pont-d’Arc from 30,000 BC, in a further bid to maintain page impressions at this traditionally quiet time of the year we have put together another fascinating gallery for your enjoyment.

Our latest gallery features left-handed F1 drivers, and in a bid to make it even more interesting and exclusive we narrowed it down to those born under the Gemini starsign and who sported facial hair of some sort at some stage in their careers.

Though one would think this would limit our choices, we are delighted to offer a 365 image gallery for your perusal over the holiday.

Please note however, that downloading any of the images, or even looking at them for more than five seconds, will result in legal action against you, your family and possibly your pets.

With Christmas being a time of giving – and taking – why not check out our various online stores.

What could be better for the F1 fan in your life than replica team clothing… indeed with this in mind we are offering a 1.5% discount on our chosen ‘Team of the Month’.

The fact that said team is to change its livery, sponsors and name in the coming weeks shouldn’t deter you from this superb offer, such as the replica team jacket for £250 ($323) plus P&P (note only XXXL available at the discounted price).

On the business front our somewhat aggressive acquisition strategy continues, and other than stakes in a number of rival series we now own at least six – make that seven, possibly eight – circuits and large portions of south and central America.

Indeed, we can also reveal that we are currently in very advanced negotiations to buy the Internet.

While the price is higher than anticipated, we are confident that we and our partners will be successful, at which point all its content will belong to us… including every word and image you ever posted.

Schastlivykh prazdnikov!